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the xx: crystalised
October 2009
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1:17
temporary/transitory; //// i woke up today and i couldn’t move my neck to the right without this incredible pain, there was this giant knot under my right ear. i couldn’t open my mouth more than a centimeter, couldn’t talk or cough or eat, blowing on my tea even proved to be too much. went to sleep for an hour and it was bearable when i woke up, went to two classes and now i’m home. i have absolutely no idea where it came from or how/when it happened. at this point, i’ve stopped asking. i don’t get bodies or science or the mysterious injuries that well up under my skin while i’m asleep. half the time i don’t really want the answers, anyways
8:54
too cold for comfort, new words for old thoughts.
3:23
been raining for the past two days, which is sort of nice but not when you have to spend the majority of your day outside, which is what fate assigned for me this afternoon. i just want to take a nap or something.
6:43
who i am and who you think i am will never, ever be the same person.
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joanna newsom: bridges and balloons
5:43
feels like winter, looks like autumn. december only means the start of sleep, january renders us comatose. what you know versus what you wish you didn’t know. today is the closest to content i’ve been in a long time.
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psapp: velvet pony
4:12
movements in my brain
9:42
i’m supposed to be writing my college admissions essay. this is me not writing my college admissions essay.
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rjd2: smoke and mirrors
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ugly cassanova: smoke like ribbons
11:50
i’ve made myself a giant soup bowl of green tea. my love, it extends beyond mugs
2:56
tired of being tired
“(647): You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn’t say one word, I just listened.”
—
9:38
always alone again, always the person missing, never missed. it’s all too familiar.
2:01
lots of green tea and fruit. i feel cleaner these days, what i fill myself with isn’t so toxic anymore. lots of smoke, lots of gray. want to be thinner, more sweaters, some sort of grace. i used to be so good with conversation. what ever happened?
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the xx: heart skipped a beat
8:55
enter nightfall, navy sky dotted with stars and fog and whatever else; most of my days spent living in my head, or fearing the worst. time to remake, redo, rewrite. my english teacher pulled me aside during photography yesterday spent about ten minutes yesterday telling me how brilliant i was, it was kind of funny. she sort of reminds me of myself, how she talks and it’s a little strange, like looking into a funhouse mirror. i want tattoos and to be beyond this, simply just too long a wait
2:45
exhausted. i’m doing sort of horrible in school right now.
11:57
//////////////////////
feeling just okay.
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telepathe: chrome’s on it (gold panda remix)
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air: casanova 70 (moodswings by brendan lynch)
“my applejack, my silent night, just mash your lips against me. we are all going forward. none of us are going back.”
—
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modest mouse: out of gas
1:11
everything i thought i could control is out of my control. this is nothing new, no great epiphany, just sort of depressing. i’m hoping things’ll get better in the next few months, but honestly, i’m not counting on it. i just need to get a job or something to keep me busy and distracted and feeling a little more normal.
2:27
i’m not sure of anything a sweater and cup of green tea can’t cure; i suppose this’ll keep me through winter.
it’s snowing in michigan.
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joanna newsom: clam crab cockle cowrie
